Widows
by Maeve Riannon
Summary: Indis, queen of the Noldor, receives a visit from the re- embodied first wife of her dead husband Finwë. Not loving relationship between two torn females. Birthday fic for Joan Milligan. Now, second chapter up; Míriel reflects on Indis while weaving Fat
1. Default Chapter

This is a birthday fic for Joan Milligan, a much appreciated Silmarillion fanfiction writer whose birthday was two weeks ago.

Disclaimer: The characters are Tolkien´s.

Warning: Female/ female relationship, although in a certainly weird way.

Widows.

__

"And so it was that Finwë relinquished his claim to dwell once again in the World of the Living, and his first wife Míriel came again to see the Blessed Realm. But it was too late, for, when she arrived, she had to learn of the flight of the Noldor, and of her son´s rebellion against the will of the Valar, and she never saw him again. In pain, the first Queen of the Noldor left her people, now ruled by her stepson Finarfin with the help of his mother Indis, the Vanya.(...)" And Then Darkness Surrounded, Chapter Three.(*)

* * * * * * * *

They were days of darkness, and of despair, those that followed the death of Finwë and the departure of the rebels for unknown lands. The light of the Two Trees was gone, and with it every spark of life, all the desire of achieving wondrous and beautiful things that had always been the joy and the pride of the Noldorin people until the time of their madness. Arafinwë, the only remaining heir of the King, had returned unexpectedly with some followers weeks after their departure, telling horrible and sorrowful tales about the massacre of their kin in Alqualondë and the curse of Mandos, and the Valar had proclaimed him sovereign of his remaining people, but, in spite of all his efforts to help them to heal and rebuild, everyone silently knew that nothing would ever be as it had been before.

__

Marred.

And she, Indis the Fair, his mother and the wife of the dead king Finwë, until a short while ago the pillar of wisdom and gentleness that helped to sustain what remained of her divided house, knew it too.

"Mother, please. I do not want you to fade away!" her son said each time he saw her, intently gazing at the window with an unnaturally fixed stare. "I need you, we all do!"

__

Oh, why! Why are you so wise, yet you cannot understand? You look at me with eyes that do not see, and no matter how hard you try, you will stay blind forever!

"Do not worry, my son" she answered him, smiling faintly. "I am not allowed to go to Mandos, even if I wished to do so."

With small relief written over his concerned face, Arafinwë left her alone. 

Always.

* * * * * * * *

Time passed away, a long and unmeasured space of time only marked by perpetual darkness, and the fair Vanya fell even more to despair. She no longer spoke to her family, nor went to visit her kin, just wanting to spend her time in front of the window and thus causing everybody to whisper with pity and worry as they chanced to walk by her.

__

"This has been lasting too long."

"She is fading away."

"She cannot stand the pain, yet she is doomed to stay here."

"She cannot go to Mandos."

One day, as Indis was sitting in her customary place, something suddenly caught her eye. She saw it next to the courtyard door, and it seemed to her the shadow of someone wrapped in a cloak, perhaps seeking shelter against the cold that had swept over Valinor after the Trees died, or waiting for someone to appear. Indis was overcome by surprise and curiosity at the sight, and maybe a strange sense of foreboding came upon her at the time as well, for she did not remember having jumped from her seat with her heart pounding so loudly since life died for her months ago. Racing down the stairs, she found herself outside in a moment, feeling the chilly air in her delicate exposed skin, and facing the back of the bent dark- haired figure in the courtyard of Finwë´s house.

__

Shivers. Horrible shivers.

The figure turned her head, to peer at her with tearful grey eyes.

__

Impossible.

She knew them. She knew those grey eyes. She knew that pale face, and she had often seen in her dreams her sad expression, but it was no dream now.

"Míriel. Míriel Serindë", she stammered brokenly. Her knees did not sustain her any longer, so she let herself fall down at the side of the wife of her husband, the very nís who lost him to her and had been made to stay imprisoned in Mandos until the end of Arda for the happiness of Indis and Finwë.

__

Valar, how in the world could I find the strength to dare to look her in the eye.

There were memories crowding her mind, of a young couple, he tall and strong and she short and thin, but both very happy, beaming with joy as they kissed and joined hands while a little blonde girl would hide away to cry undisturbed. Then, the vision she had had all those years since the day of her wedding returned again, and she saw a nís trapped in a world of shadows, alone and longing desperately to escape.

__

Because of me.

"You are not asking what I am doing here", a soft melancholy voice stated, ending the silence. Indis still looked away.

"I...I know ´tis you who has the right to ask that. Not I."

"I came here to find him. But he is gone, they told me."

"Aye, he has."

Belatedly, she realised that Míriel was speaking about Fëanor. Of course, her son, the little child she herself had been supposed to raise as a mother but who had terrified her ever since the first day with the resemblance he bore to the accusing nís of her vision. The child that had grown hating her for having taken his mother´s place, and who was now gone, driven by that hate, to take the course of rebellion against the Powers.

"Why will you not look at me?" Míriel asked with a sigh. Tears trickled down her cheek as she spoke, and Indis could see them when she finally brought herself to do what she had asked. "I am alive, now. He stayed there to let me come here."

"He" was Finwë now, the Vanya guessed. At the sole mention of him, she felt as if there was a heavy hand pressed against her heart, and looked away again, this time because of her pride. How could she stand this re-embodied creature to watch her shame?

"Then, he will never return?" was all she managed to ask.

Míriel shook her head.

"Alas, he cannot do so. He is in need of healing after the way he died, facing the Darkness alone, so he asked me to come instead to speak with my son and avert the doom of the Noldor. It seems, though, that I came too late."

Now, Indis had to flinch at those words, sounding fiercely accusing to her ears. To her, they implied everything she felt guilty about; that she had been a bad wife, a bad mother and a worse queen.

__

Does she really not know what she is saying to me? Or is she trying to tell me she would have acted otherwise?

Aye, she would have. She would never have left Finwë alone.

"Indis."

"Yes?" The Vanya whispered back. The sky was black and ominous above them, without even the soft glow of the stars that were the delight of the first Quendi in Middle- Earth. For all the greatness of the palace she lived in, and her family and people, she could not help feeling utterly alone.

"I remember when we were living in the shores of Middle- Earth", Míriel began, throwing her head backwards "You were a young girl, and I made a small present for you, a handkerchief with birds and flowers embroidered on it. Do you remember? "

An awkward silence was the only answer she got, for Indis was feeling too embarrassed to say a word, but she continued in spite of this.

"Next day, your brother was shocked beyond measure because you tore it in two. Surely you remember now!"

"Please, do not..." The Vanyarin queen was near to the point of tearing her own dress again with her hands. "Please, stop embarrassing me! I have already had enough of that before you came! "

"I am not embarrassing you, Indis." Míriel explained patiently, stretching a hand to caress her golden hair. "I just want you to realise that you suffered no less from me than I from you, and could you blame me for loving him?"

"What?"

The re-embodied nís gave her a smile of encouragement.

"The will of Ilúvatar is strange, you know. In Mandos, I learned that even the Valar did not know why He made love free, in a way that one of the Eldar could desire any other than who is already bound for his life. Some say it is a bad thing, others that freedom is good, but all we two know is that it caused us much pain. And I did not blame you. Oh, yes, my heart was broken when I learned about your betrothal, and I did not understand why he had done this to me, but I wanted you to be happy and so gave my consent. I..." Her voice sunk to a low whisper that made Indis open her eyes wide.

"I only could blame him, and I did not. I loved him too much. I still do."

"I do, too", the Vanya echoed, holding Míriel´s hand as if what she had said was not the source of their distress, but just a way for both to feel closer in the cold winter night. Finwë´s first wife did understand it thus as well, for she squeezed it hand tight and pulled her close, wrapping the Queen of the Noldor in her cloak of fur.

"What did he say to you before you came?" Indis asked after a while.

"About you, you mean?"

Silence.

"I will deliver his words to you, if you give him to me."

"What did you say?"

Míriel simply smiled at the shocked look in the violet eyes that gazed at her. Before Indis could have possibly done anything to prevent it, she came nearer to her and kissed her lips, slowly tasting them until the Vanya pushed her back in astonishment.

"Míriel!"

"That is what I meant. You were the last he kissed, and the last he held in his arms as incarnate, so, somehow, you still have him inside you. Share him with me, and then I will share his words with you , and thus, we both will have him."

Indis´s body stayed rigid long after the other ceased to speak, while her breath made a heavy and constant sound between them. 

__

It has its logic.

The logic of madness. The logic of despair.

But we could never share him without breaching the will of Ilúvatar and the Valar, except if we ourselves become one, could we?

This is wrong. I am not bound to her, but to Finwë.

"Finwë is bound to me too, Indis. That is why he is not allowed to come and rejoin us."

"But we cannot bring him back."

"I can find him in you, because he loved you. You can find him in me. This is only right."

__

Only right.

.

"Do you...do you think we could...?"

For all answer, the lean dark- haired nís took her mouth again and this time she did not find enough resistance to keep her from entering it hungrily. Indis moaned, letting herself be embraced, and both closed their eyes to feel the heat of the others' body against their own. 

__

It is wrong.

It was Míriel who was embracing her next to the door of her house. It was her Noldo black hair tickling her chin, and her legendary skilled fingers parting her thighs to raise cries of excitement that could be heard at any moment by those who lived in the palace behind. As she came in her arms, Indis knew it was not Finwë who held her, but a nís thin and frail, her rival and her companion; his wife.

And she felt ashamed.

"You do not know what you have just given me", she could hear Míriel´s grateful voice somewhere close to her. "Thank you."

"Yes, I do not know!" Indis buried her face in her hands, and began to sob. "Please, tell me what you promised, and forget all about the rest."

Now, what the Vanya heard was the rustle of silk, and a sudden cold that struck her when Míriel got up and took her body, together with the cloak, away from her. She did not raise her head, even as the Noldo began to stroke her hair tenderly again.

"He told me he loved you and your sons, and that you should stay here to help them now he is gone. And he asks for your forgiveness of his past errors, as well as for leaving you alone, but I am sure you have forgiven him already. Farewell, fair Indis! I must go now."

"Wait!"

Startled, the Noldo turned back to see the tearstained face of the other nís gazing at her, the trembling lips endeavouring to form words.

"Where are you going?"

"To see the Valar. My son has left, my husband is dead, and nothing else ties me to my people here. You will care for them, I see it in your eyes now, and Finwë will be happy when he knows."

"Míriel! Serindë!" the Vanya tried once more. Míriel complied again, this time even slower.

"He has always loved you more than me. I know, am I wrong?"

"Indis.." said Míriel, sighing wearily and shaking her head. "Farewell, my Queen." 

Before Indis could ask anything more, her figure was lost in the shadows, never to be seen again by the Eldar in the Blessed Realm. 

Next day, her family found the Vanyarin queen lying in the courtyard, her body nearly frozen, and her mouth trying to mutter incomprehensible things in the oldest form of their language.

(The End)

(*)Note: Although the quote in the beginning is from another fic of mine, "And Then Darkness Surrounded", and some of the elements in this fics are extracted from it, it is NOT a part of it, and they have nothing to do with each other.


	2. Triangle

Disclaimer: Tolkien´s characters.

Note: At last! I overcame writer´s block! Thanks to those that reviewed last chapter, and especially to Finch for taking the trouble of reading it and making useful suggestions. 

Widows: Chapter Two.

__

He has always loved you more than me. I know it, am I wrong?

Are you?

Oh Indis, Indis. Fair, little Indis, daughter of the Vanyar and queen of the Noldor; poor lonely Indis. You are grieving because now you can have the vision of what you were; nothing more than a dim figure in the dreams of another. You realise that this figure of yours always had my eyes, my smile, my heart, my scent, even if only you were there, my dear Indis.

And this hurts.

I can feel you now, giving advice to your son, comforting his wife and sisters and guiding their people. They are grateful to you for being able to defeat the overwhelming grief that consumed your heart and for returning back to them, to be once more the pillar of the kingdom of the faithful Noldor and of their diminished house. They say you are strong, and that you are wise.

But every night you cry, Indis, lying alone in your frozen bed.

What did Finwë feel the day he married you? What, the night he first held you in his arms? This, I know, you ask yourself so many times, unable to believe the answer that lies hidden in your mind. For I am sure he loved you, and he was too kind to cause anybody the least harm, but you should have known, Indis, that even all the power of the Valar, with all the confidence your people always put on them, cannot break a bond that consecrates the everlasting love between two fëar. That is why your feelings of guilt and remorse were misplaced, and why I pitied you. It was I who should have felt guilty for having said "Yes", knowing that you as your people, Finwë, and the Valar, were all wrong.

I doomed you. I doomed everyone. Perhaps I fooled myself into believing the bond _was _broken, and shut down my heart against the hard but true knowledge that none of you would indeed find happiness until I let him go, all because I was too selfish to sacrifice my own happiness for the sake of yours. But then, perhaps even if I had made my mind it would have been the same, for who in this world can consider himself entitled to play with love?

He never loved you, Indis. Not in the way he thought he did. When he looked at you as a friend, adviser, companion or supporter, he saw you, but, when he laid you on his bed and conceived by you wretched twice- mothered children, my fëa could feel his caresses and kisses, his whispers of love in your ears, and he wrapped in his embrace the body of his first wife and true love, the only one he could desire, reviving in each curve of your body our lovemaking in the secret hiding places among the dark trees in Middle- Earth. He did notice it, I am sure, and he did his best to stop the unstoppable, believing it a crazy vision that failed to leave him after all this time, but what about you? 

The question is, did you really perceive it then?

I do not think so. You loved him so deeply, and the confidence that you both had in the power and wisdom of the Valar was so great that just guilt and pain for your losses were what drove you insane the day I came to you in the courtyard of our house. And when, insane as you from my own sufferings, I deceived you into giving me the only thing that you ever had had, your own hröa that he like me touched and pleasured while loving another, you for a moment had to see the truth in every thing I had always known. I could love him, whenever I wanted, and in your arms or in anybody else´s, but you could not. Your eyes and your heart were empty, and you knew that all this, your bond, had been nothing but a lie.

You never existed.

Oh, lovely Indis, poor little Indis, you would not believe that now it is me who is sorry for you. I deceived you simply to ease my grief, so shallow if we compare it to yours, and gave you nothing in return for the love I had never ceased to hold as mine in the Halls of Mandos. Given the falsehood of your marriage, how could I still be jealous of what you had got from Finwë? How could I think of shattering your illusions the same way I shattered his when he met me down there, and just a look into my eyes told him he had never had more than one wife?

He stayed in Mandos after that. You kept the terrible knowledge confined in a small part of your mind, deciding you had to be strong and learn to live for the other people that loved and needed you. And I am here.

I am here, weaving your fate. Picking the thread of your life with gentleness into my fingers, knitting it securely with the other threads of those who know how to make you happy, and smiling with relief when I see it has grown to be again one of the brightest in the whole tapestry of the Fates of the World. Hold on, little Indis. I am sure you must have kept something of him, even if you lost the memories of his touch and your illusions because of me, and the bond you never had. Remember that his ardent hopes of finding happiness in making you happy moved the very hearts of the Valar, the wise Valar that failed again, victims of their own compassion!

You have to live, and I want you to know it in some way.

But, still, forgive me if I am glad you were right.

(The End) 

Another Note: I was a little more explicit about the Valar just in the end, Finch, but I won´t criticise them too openly. Don´t really want to appear too heretic. :D


End file.
